THE RECRUITER'S SONG

Grab yourself a laser, lad, and serve your queen
With a smile, smile, smile
Light ‘em with your lucifer and burn ‘em clean
Smile boys, that’s the style
Come on a grand adventure
Against a foe most vile
So, grab yourself a laser, lad, and serve your queen
With a smile smile smile

*Jovial Whistling*

“Come on boys,
The Moon’s not that far away and we’ll be home by Christmas.
Let’s give the kaiser a damn good thrashing.
Lenny won’t know what hit him!
So join the starborne infantry and serve your country.”


GASSED LAST NIGHT

Gassed last night, and gassed the night before
Gonna be gassed tonight if we’re never gassed no more
When you’re gassed, you’re sick as you can be
‘Cause novichok and mustard gas are much too much for me

They’re choking us, they’re choking us,
One respirator and it broke on us.
Thank your lucky stars that the pumps still work
‘Cause coughing up your lungs can be a chore

Cooked last night, and cooked the night before
Gonna be cooked tonight if we’re never cooked no more
When you’re cooked, you’re hot as you can be
‘Cause the Kaiser wants to microwave the British infantry

They’re boiling us, they’re boiling us,
One lead sheet between the four of us.
Thank your lucky stars that you taste so good
‘Cause we wouldn’t want your corpse to go to waste


SOLDIER'S SONG

When little generals play at war
They don’t care what they’re fighting for
Playground battlefields are rife
With soldier toys bereft of life

Marching ever through the black
Orders fly, retreat, attack
Whoe’er commands a toy obeys
Out in the stars and far away

As children grow, the toys they build
From wood to steel with hate are filled
Colonels, generals, marshals plan
Their lines in every patch of sand

Marching ever through the black
Orders fly, retreat, attack
Whoe’er commands a toy obeys
Out in the stars and far away

Whoever’s uniform you wear
No loyalties to hold or share
No burning hate, no bitter fear
No heart to break, so shed no tear

Marching ever through the black
Orders fly, retreat, attack
Whoe’er commands a toy obeys
Out in the stars and far away


TIM GOES CRAZY

We’ll murder all the lunar men with fury heaven-sent
And carpet Lenny’s tunnels with the rounds that we have spent
They’ve tried to break our firm resolve but haven’t made a dent
And their blood will run like wine!

Take no prisoners, give no quarter,
Show them all the colour of their entrails on the floor
The Kaiser’s men are cattle to the slaughter
And their blood will run like wine!

We’ll suck the ragged eyeballs from the sockets of their skulls
Their existence is a mad disease, there needs to be a cull
Upon their rancid soldier-flesh our bayonets will dull
And their blood will run like wine!

Take no prisoners, give no quarter,
Show them all the colour of their entrails on the floor
The Kaiser’s men are cattle to the slaughter
And their blood will run like wine!

All together now -

Take no prisoners, give no quarter,
Show them all the colour of their entrails on the floor
The Kaiser’s men are cattle to the slaughter
And their blood will run like wine!


TEATIME WITH THE KAISER

So Gunpowder Tim cut a bloody red path
Through cannon and infantry, dealing his wrath
Battalions were mustered, and charged with his destruction
But all of them fell to his maddened corruption
But all things must end, and Tim’s luck ran dry
As a Lenny lined his rifle up and let the lead fly
And when he awoke, he was chilled to the bone
Kneeling, unarmed, at the Moon Kaiser’s throne
And the Kaiser just smiled, with his crown all askew
Saying, “Well now my friend, it’s a pleasure to meet you
I hear you’ve made a habit of hacking up my boys
So I’ll return the favour, with what means I can employ
An extended execution, by royalty appointed
And I warn you, the last one left me very disappointed”
Then the Kaiser opened up a box and showed young Tim my head
Fresh-severed, but I winked at him – I guess I wasn’t dead!
Seeing there was hope for him, Tim looked around the room -
The Toy Soldier, in uniform, with a royal guardsman’s plume
Accidentally, it had joined the Kaiser’s personal guard
But it still followed any order, if you gave it nice and hard
Across the room, the great gun stood, aimed right at London Town
Tim had his plan and he prepared to bring the despot down
And with the lunar cannon loaded and the fuse prepared to light
Tim looked the Soldier in the eye and gave the order: “Fight!”
Chaos came to the Kaiser’s men, the violence quick and mad
As the wooden man obeyed the mission briefing that it had
I spun my severed head and bit the Kaiser on the nose
He screamed in shock and dropped me, so I went after his toes
Confusion reigned, Tim took his leave and ran towards the gun
And spun the dial so right around the cannon barrel swung
He didn’t know the firing codes, it wouldn’t stop him long
For the brutal hymn of gunpowder remained his favourite song
So with a barrel from the armory he set the fuse alight
And fled into the lifepod where the Kaiser spent the night
The pod was sealed hard against the force of twenty suns
But Tim couldn’t get the visor closed before the fuse was done
So when the lunar cannon fired and blew the moon out of the sky
The fearsome brightness of the blast burned out our hero’s eyes
And with the force of every weary soldier’s tunnel-bomb
The explosion ripped through the full moon’s heart and like that -
The moon was gone.